Because of Who He is

It's late. I'm lying on my couch in comfy flanel pj's and drinking hot chocolate that has become lukewarm chocolate over the last 20 minutes. My living room is still decorated as if Christmas has not already passed. The lights that illuminate the room, aside from the light of my laptop, are "icicle lights" draped across the sliding glass door that separates me from the frigid air outside. The only sound in the room is the low murmur of the air conditioner, broken only by the clicks of my keyboard.

And yet, despite the atmosphere, I can't seem to focus on anything. My thoughts most closely resemble the movement of a Mexican jumping bean. I've never seen a Mexican jumping bean in action, but I imagine its movement is sporadic and haphazard. I'm bouncing around in my head all the events of the week, my personal thoughts, the conversations I had, my emotions, and the various things I've read. Just as jumping beans eventually lose their jump and settle into a a state of motionlessness, I'm hoping my thoughts will do the same.

One of my biggest struggles at the moment is my casual attitude toward the pursuit of holiness. It's a fairly recent development, at least I think it is. Let me explain. The Christian life, according to Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones, is a balanced life between the mind, heart, and will. It's not only something you "know" or "feel" or "want," but a delicate combination of the three. You have to know what you are feeling in order to want it. My casual attitude is a result of my heart.

I know the Gospel message. I desire for my will to be aligned with God's will. But I am not loving the Lord. He is not my treasure because if He were, I would be shouting His name from the rooftops. None of love Him as we should. We are all sinners, undeserving of His grace. That's the beauty of grace. He saves us from ourselves because of Who He is, not because of who we are or what we do. And we do not "continue in sin that grace may abound," (Romans 6:1) but live unto righteousness because we "have been crucified with Christ and no longer live, but Christ lives in [us]." (Galatians 2:20)

I am not perfect, nor am I a slave to sin. This liberates and motivates me to pursue holiness in light of what Christ has done.

Come and Gone

Another year has passed away. Looking back, I see the years start to blend together with a few time markers her and there. This year is marked by a college graduation and my first year of working with Reformed University Fellowship.

I'm looking at 2009 as yet another God-given opportunity to make a difference in this world. With every coming of a new year, we see find a chance for a fresh start or various changes. January 1 marks the beginning of a new calendar year. We, myself included, forget that everyday is the beginning of a new year.

I'm ready to dive deeper into relationships with the young girls at KSU. I'm ready to step outside of my comfort zone and into a social circle. I'm hoping to succeed and learning to fail.

Happy New Year 2009!

A Perfect Love

Part of being an intern is being where the students are. On Thursday night, the students were at the midnight showing of the new movie "Twilight." It's been the preferred topic of conversation among the girls at RUF for the past month. Apparently, this movie is based on a popular series of books about teenage love between vampires, werewolves, and humans. How have I not heard of it before now?

I had never been to a midnight movie premiere before, so I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't expecting the high-pitched screams of excitement from the girls in the audience when the main character, Edward, walked on screen. I also wasn't expecting to be entertained in the least.

I'm glad I went, because I know the girls will be talking about it. When they bring it up, I have some questions for them. For example, why are we so enthralled by forbidden love? The handsome vampire named Edward says, rather bluntly, that vampires are enticing to humans (their food) by nature. "Everything about me invites you in--my voice, my face, even my smell." These fictional vampires are designed to attract humans to them, making it easier for them pounce, attack, and kill. The human girl named Bella, knowing the dangers involved, still wants to pursue the relationship, even asking him to bite her so she can become a vampire too.

In the same way, Satan knows what we find attractive and uses that to lure us into his trap. While Satan does not literally kill us, he can lead us to death. When we follow him and turn away from our Savior, we choose death over the life Christ offers us. We want immortality on our own terms. We want what we think is perfect love. We don't realize that we already have a Perfect Love in Jesus. Even when we do realize it, we don't want to wait for it. Rather, we seek immediate gratification, knowing the dangers involved.

There are three more books in the series, so I don't know what happens beyond what I saw in the movie. I'm interested, though, to see where this goes.

We Are to Be in the World, But Not of the World

One of my favorite RUF weekly events at Kennesaw State is Wednesday Lunch. Every Wednesday from 11:30am to about 1:30pm, we get together to eat lunch together and talk and play. We used to eat outside on a large grassy field in the center of campus, but since the cold weather has become too cold, we now crowd around a table in the student center. It brings back memories of eating lunch in my high school cafeteria.

This past Wednesday, the group's conversation topic somehow got to celebrities. We talked about good movies, good actors, and attractive actors. In the midst of our conversation, a girl mentioned that she no longer respects/admires Jake Gyllenhaal for his role in the controversial movie about homosexuality, "Brokeback Mountain." She is not the first person I've heard make this comment.

Quite frankly, there are few movies that live up to our standard of morality. We watch people muder each other. We laugh when crude, racist, or malicious jokes are made. We hear God's name used in vain. We don't think twice when we see blasphemy and idolatry. And nearly every movie, regardless of genre, seems to condone fornication. This is what we call entertainment today.

I just find it hard to understand why an actor portraying a homosexual man is less deserving of respect than an actor portraying a cold-blooded murderer. Why is a movie about homosexuality hailed by Christians as taboo and disgusting, while those same Christians tolerate movies about hatred, murder, stealing, or adultery. Sin is sin is sin.

We are all hypocrites in judging one man's sin as worse than another's. I don't know where I fall on the spectrum, but I am ceratinly no exception. Should we remove the movies from our shelves? Should we avoid buying CD's with explicit content? Should we turn off the TV for shows that aren't family oriented? What do you think?

The Shepherd and His Sheep

English was my most difficult subject throughout my school years. It was the subject that had the potential to ruin a straight-A quarter with an B+ or B (gasp!). Despite my trouble with reading comprehension and disinterest in analyzing literature, I generally enjoyed English class. I can remember learning about similes and metaphors in elementary school. It was a pivotal lesson in my life. More and more, I find myself describing everything in metaphorical terms to give myself a better understanding.

While a parable is not a metaphor, it is similar. So, it's no surprise that I love parables. I am very much like Jesus' disciples because I don't always understand the parables until they are explained to me. Even the ones that I think I understand usually have so much deeper meanings than what I ascribe to them. My favorite is "The Parable of the Lost Sheep." (Luke 15:3-7)

Sheep are not the smartest animals. When they wander away from the flock, they usually cannot find their way back. They drown easily. They will always follow the leader, even off of a cliff. They can't get off their backs and will die if no one helps them. They are vision-impaired. Though this may seem strange, I find comfort in being likened to a dumb sheep. It reminds me of my reliance on God because I cannot do anything right. Without my Shepherd, I am defenseless and lost. I wander away from what I know and lose my way. I sink in stormy waters. I find myself on my back and need someone to save me.

I find comfort in this because we have a Savior who comes looking for us when we wander away from Him and rejoices when He finds us. Jesus doesn't let us drown. No matter how many times we end up on our backs, He comes and sets us on our feet every time. He is the leader that will ALWAYS lead us to safety and away from life's cliffs. He protects us from predators. Without Him, we are left to our own devices which always lead us to spiritual death.But Jesus is the Good Shepherd, Who lays down His life for us, His sheep. (John 10:11) He did this so that we may have Life.

So, when I find that I have wandered away from the flock and I can't find my way back alone, I know that my Shepherd will come find me, put me on his shoulders, and take me home where I belong.

Settling Down

When I signed a lease in Kennesaw, Georgia, I was aware that I was no longer in Florida. When the first day of October brought a cool, crisp morning, I realized I was no longer in Florida. When I looked out my window this afternoon and saw the green, yellow, orange, and red leaves on a cluster of trees, I knew I was no longer in Florida.

I don't miss Florida...just the people who live there. I checked another day off the calendar and noted that I've been in Georgia for two and half months. I've been working as the RUF Intern for five weeks.

I've been fairly busy trying to meet the girls at Kennesaw State. Two weeks ago, all the Georgia schools with RUF groups got together in Temple, Georgia for Fall Conference. The weekend away with the students provided some great opportunities to solidify some relationships and open doors to new relationships with the girls. Getting to the point where everyone feels comfortable around everyone else is a slow and long process. I'm beginning to see the personality of each of the girls shine through.

Amid the surprise of fall colors, chats over lunches, and other miscellaneous activities, I am learning that I cannot control everything that is happening around me. It's humbling when I realize that God is sovereign over the seemingly botched conversations and unexpectedly awkward moments. When I start trying to qualify my work as an intern, I need to be reminded that I cannot mess up God's plan for my life, or anyone else's for that matter. How great it is to know that He uses our sinful actions and skewed motives for His ultimate purpose and glory. Similarly, I cannot accomplish anything good on my own. Instead, it is the work of the Holy Spirit in me, sanctifying me and growing me.

Prayer Requests:

~Rest: For the past several weeks, I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. I've had a few weeks of distubing nightmares that cause me to wake up in fear and anxiety. The nightmares stopped last week, but I still cannot sleep through the night. I am really struggling to see how God is at work in my restlessness.
~Friendships: I haven't yet found a social circle outside of my work with RUF. At times, it gets pretty lonely.
~Students: The students are in the midst of midterms and school is demanding more and more of their free time. Many of them also have part-time jobs and some have major life issues they are dealing with.
~Ministry: Pray for God's work in Kennesaw, that He may use us to reach others with the Gospel; that Chris Bowen and I may lovingly speak Truth into the students' lives whether they are Christians or not.

I Can See Clearly Now...

...the rain is gone.

I used to pride myself on my 20/20 vision. Thus, the opposite was inevitable. As of yesterday, I have joined the glasses-wearing crowd. The eye doctor says I don't have to wear them all the time, just when I am reading or on the computer or driving at night. So, I'll pretty much be wearing them all the time.

When I first tried them on at the doctor's office, it felt like I was in one of those fun houses with all the mirrors. Everything was distorted by my standards. I didn't even want to drive with them because that was just asking for trouble.

I wore them for a few hours when I got home. I find the term "four eyes" very appropriate. I was so confused as to what I was seeing that it felt like I had four eyes, each looking in different directions. It's day one of wearing corrective lenses, so I know it will take time. After my eyes focus, I can see pretty clearly. Everything is a lot sharper. I never even knew what I was missing.

What a blessing it is to be able to "fix" our sight! God has given me so much to be thankful for.

Exposed

I woke up and began my daily routine which includes a cup of espresso and milk and walking Dominoe. For some reason unknown to me, I took an interest in cleaning my bathroom before getting my coffee. As I made my way through the morning, I got THE CALL from RUF.

I hung up the phone, sat on my couch, and buried my face in the pillow as tears welled up in my eyes. I wasn't crying because I got the job, which I was thrilled about. I was crying because in this month of waiting, I hadn't realized how my heart had started to harden. Everyday, I waited to get a call telling me I wasn't going to be an intern this year. I began questioning what God was calling me to do in Kennesaw.

In one fatal blow, God put my doubts and indifference to rest. I cannot express how freeing it is to know that the Holy Spirit is working in my heart, battling the idols I build up for myself. I am His and I am thankful that He is so jealous that He wants me all to Himself! I don't want to belong to anyone or anything else.

Thank you all for the love you've shown me these past few months! Every e-mail, letter, and phone call has been an encouragement to trust in God's provisions. I couldn't have done it without you. Our journey at KSU is just beginning and I am more than excited to share in this ministry with you.

RUF large group will meet for the third time tonight, but it will be my first time. Please, pray for that the students will come with open minds and hearts and that God will use Chris Bowen's message to reach out to them. Pray, also, that I seek only to glorify God and point students to Jesus as I meet and get to know them this year. And, of course, send up a prayer or thanks and praise for His provisions in getting me on campus.