Lost In Thought...Completely Lost

I've had quite a bit of "spare time" if you can even call it that. It feels more like I have some "spare work" in the midst of my free time. Regardless of what you or I may call it, I am slightly sickened by it and I know exactly why. There are two reasons "why," but only one matters.

Reason 1: I have been left to entertain thoughts, too many thoughts. Have you ever had the experience when you are trying in vain to fall asleep, but you have hundreds of different thoughts wandering through your mind like fruit flies looking for some vinegary solution in an empty kitchen. That has been my experience the days when I have no errands to run. Even as I try to read the books for my intern study program, my mind cannot focus. I've kept myself cooped up in this apartment for too long.

So, this past Friday I broke out of what seems to be a self-imposed jail and visited Marietta Square. To start, I took a wrong turn and ended up far from my destination. I used to pride myself on my directional talents. I still want to. That's why I didn't print out the directions. Now is not quite the time for me to express just how Georgia has messed with my inborn GPS.

The Square was so lovely. Artsy, antique-y, old-school buildings and shoppes. In keeping with the old town theme, the shops were all closed by six, which is just about the time I shifted into "PARK." Heh. So, I strolled and looked around. I wanted to just sit in a coffee shop, but I was too cheap to want to buy coffee. I chickened out and just walked on by, got in my car, and drove home. I did not pass "Go" and I did not collect $200.

Reason 2: Here is what really matters. I see this abundance of free time as a waste. I have only ever felt productive when I'm crossing items off a to-do list that exceeds the physical limits of what a person can do in a day. I've always known I defined myself and my days by my productivity. Sure, being productive can be glorifying to God, but that is not the only thing He calls us to be. Resting on Sundays can be just as glorifying.

I've been living in Sunday seven days a week. I feel lazy and I don't like lazy. I feel guilty when I spend everyday watching movies, driving through town without a destination, doing handstands against my apartment walls, falling asleep while reading, checking my e-mail every five minutes, walking around Marietta Square, eating everything in sight, and playing with my dog. So many people desire this free time. I am not saying that all of these things are okay to do all the time. I suppose I don't really know what I am saying. I'm just struggling with understanding what I should be doing instead.

The problem is that I am defining everything by my thoughts and feelings. The problem is that I'm making it all about me when it has nothing to do with me. What is God doing with me at this moment? How might I glorify Him in this blessing of time? I'll be looking for local volunteer opportunities, but, until then, I must learn patience.