Hello 2010

Dear Friends,

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas celebration with your families and friends! I wish you a happy new year!

As I bid farewell to 2009 and welcome 2010, I want to thank you for your support in getting me this far. Let us remember that every passing moment in our lives is a blessing from the Lord.

Love,
Christina

No News is Good News

I simply cannot watch a newscast without my heart breaking a little each time. I wish I were exaggerating. Crimes are becoming more outrageous and headlines are becoming more ridiculous. Story after story of tragedies and scams bombard my mind. The weather is often the most light-hearted part of the 30-minute segments.

The news leaves me wanting to cry over the sad state of this broken world. The end of the newscast leave you with no hope other than the fact that you can watch it again tomorrow at the same time. The anchors close the show with smiles painted on their face, smiles so deceiving that they almost seem genuine. But how can you genuinely smile after you've just spent the last 30 minutes recounting the worst headlines of the day?

I cannot imagine what it is like to sit there and watch the news without the hope of a future redemption. The truth is that I do not know the meaning of hopeless. After watching the news, that is one thing I can be thankful for.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1


*Note that the Biblical meaning of the word hope is not the same as the meaning we ascribe to it today. Check this out--> What is Hope?

Random Tandem

I've been feeling under the weather for almost a week with no progress. Bleh.

Here's a treat for your knowledge and mine from idiomsite.com: "under the weather" is an old sailor phrase. When men were sick, they would rest below deck and thus were literally "under" the weather on deck.

goenglish.com: Being "under the weather" reminds us that a quick change in the weather can affect our health and the way we feel.

Relationships Are Messy

I recently rediscovered my Red Hot Chili Peppers Greatest Hits CD. I have a distinct memory from several years ago when the song "Californication" came out on MTV. Every time I hear the song, I am thrown back into my old room in Miami. It's late at night…more like early in the morning. I am watching TV and I see this animated music video that looks like a video game. It has a catchy tune. I didn't understand the meaning behind the title "Californication."

It's one of those weird memories that has little bearing on the outcome of my life. But it's a vivid memory for whatever reason. Now, as I listen more closely to the lyrics of the song, I gain a different perspective and a greater respect for the title. The song describes the effects of all that Hollywood has to offer, or in this case not offer. Hollywood plants seeds of desire in us. Everything from perfect skin to muscular physiques to big homes to casual sex is glorified.

In talking with girls about life, the subject of "boys" is always sure to come up. I sit across from a girl as she tells me that she doesn't feel "good enough" for a certain guy. Another girl tells me that she is sure that she IS going to marry her current boyfriend even though he's "not there yet." Still another girl confesses that she's not sure she wants to continue dating her current boyfriend because he doesn't do all the things boyfriends "should do." It's no surprise that pornography places impossible expectations on women. We are not flawless. But what about the unrealistic expectations placed on men and women by the "hard core soft porn" that this song talks about?

In the media, romance and passion are glorified. Timing is always perfect. Major issues are resolved within hours. Love is wrongly defined as passion and attraction. Yes, passion and attraction are a part of the definition, but what about the choice to love someone who will undoubtedly let you down? Ladies and gentlemen, your partner will not do everything right. He or she will make you cry. He or she will forget something that means a lot to you. The difference between the one you should date/marry and the one you shouldn't date/marry is the heart. Does this person hate his or her own sin? Does this person care that they hurt you? Does this person desire to change?

Relationships, including those between friends and family, are messy. They are not a pretty, shiny box neatly tied together with a bow. The messiness is part of the beauty of the relationship. It's why marriage vows include "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." Forgiveness is just as beautiful as romance. Sanctification is beautiful. Overcoming obstacles together is beautiful. It's in Christ that we find the power to forgive and be sanctified and overcome. That is beautiful. That is love.

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Patience

This past weekend, my church had it's annual missions conference. In addition to the testimonials of of several of the missionaries our church supports, we had a main speaker who preached each day on the attributes of God and their missional implications.

Firday night, he preached about the patience of God. He showed us how God was/is patient with Adam, the Amorites, the Israelites, the gentiles, believers, and nonbelievers. He showed us that God calls us to be patient with one another and that patience is a fruit of the Spirit. I thought to myself, "I think I've got that one down. I'm pretty good at being patient with others. I pretty good at giving people second and third chances." Obviously, pride and arrogance are still a struggle for me. Nonetheless, it was still a great sermon and there is still much to be learned about the patience of God and the patience He has for me in my sin every second of the day.

I had a twenty minute drive home to think about what I had just heard. I thanked God for the patience He has with me. Frustrated with my sinfulness, I finally got it. I am not patient. I don't always have patience for God. I don't have patience with myself. The Lord has more patience for me than I have for Him or myself.

Who am I that my judgement of myself should take precedence over my Creator's judgement of me? Who am I to say that I do or don't deserve punishments or blessings? Who am I to think that I know better than God?

Ah! The foolishness of man!

Though my lips say otherwise, my heart still sometimes believes there is such a thing as "good enough." No one is good enough. It's either you are good or you are evil. No one is good. That is why we have Jesus. He is good and His death is so that I may live without condemnation. (Romans 8:1) He took the penalty for my past, present, and future sins. God looks at me and sees Christ's perfection. That is grace and mercy. It's not a license to sin, but a freedom from it.

So, dear friends, have patience with each other, with God, and with yourself. Don't do it because you have to or even "should." Do it out of gratitude for the patience you have been given.

Wonderfully Exhausting

I just got back from RUF October training last week. About three times each year, we come together to learn, fellowship, and grow. On our nights off, we exchange stories and hugs. We crowd around long tables and enjoy each others' company. Training provides an atmosphere where we can have candid conversations that leave me deep in thought. It's wonderfully exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I come home from training and realize how much I crave (and thrive on) good debates and deep discussions, especially in small groups. I'm definitely a relational being. I want to hear people's ideas and examine their perspectives. I want my ideas and perspectives to be challenged. I want to be reminded, convicted, confused, and engaged by others.

To some extent, that is what I do with students. That's part of why I love this ministry God has called me to. It's all relational. But there is an aspect of having to hold some things back when it comes to students, an aspect that completely disappears in peer relationships. Hmmm...

Support Update

I received an e-mail from the RUF main office telling me that my support account is quickly depleting. If I do not raise $3000 within the next few weeks, I will be let go. The total amount needed to finish through the spring semester is $10,000.

Times are tough and people are scared of the economy. I'm scared too. I love my students and I want nothing more than to continue bringing the joy of the Gospel into their lives, just as it was brought into mine. I want to stay here. I'd even like to do a third year in this ministry, but I need to focus on completing this semester first.

Please pray that I would truly trust that God is at work in thia ministry whether He uses me or not. Pray that if it be His will, He would provide the funds necessary for me to complete this semester and next semester at KSU. Praise for the multitude of ways in which He has provoded thus far. Pray that He would give me guidance and wisdom in the decisions I will have to make in the coming months, especially if I cannot raise enough money.

Would you please consider supporting me financially or incresing your monthly support if possible? If you know of anyone who might be interested in supporting this ministry by supporting me, please refer them to me. Thank you!

It Is Well With My Soul

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)


This verse and many others like it have been on my heart and mind the past few days in light of the past few months. I feel like I am in a marathon hurdle race. Paul talks about living life as race at the beginning of Hebrews 12. Here has been my recent experience.

The first few miles I was able to jump hurdle after hurdle. The gentle breeze refreshing me. The crowd on the sidelines encouraging me.

Then, I started knocking them down as I tried to jump them. A bump here. A bruise there. Still going. Still bearable.

Not long after, I was tripping over them. Sometimes, you run and realize how out of shape you are. I was out of shape. I was tired and weary and defeated. I wasn't getting enough of the water Jesus was offering my soul (John 4:14). I was feeding off of the adrenaline of my body and the cheers from the sidelines, hoping that would be enough.

I stopped to take a breath or two. When the beating of my heart drowned out the noise and the aches of my body triumphed over the endorphines, I was left to contemplate my state.

I slowed to a walk and stepped over them one by one. I always found it difficult to "consider it pure joy" to go through trials. In a sense, we all find it difficult to swallow. I'm in the thick of it and I am joyful. All the physical obstacles seem smaller when we make God bigger. The Lord has reminded me of the sustenance He so graciously offers. He is teaching me to trust IN HIM ALONE...a lesson that I need to learn and re-learn everyday. I can deal with the aches and pains because "it is well with my soul."

I'm jogging again, still a little tired, but I am jogging again. Where I hurt, He comforts. When I am thirsty, His Word is my Water. When I am weary, His Voice is my motivation. When I am weak, He is my strength. When I feel I cannot run anymore, He carries me.

Random Tandem

Why is October not the eighth month of the year?

The Sun Comes After the Rain

Classes at Kennesaw State were cancelled for the past several days because of the heavy rains and flash floods all around the Atlanta area. Lower lying areas and areas near creeks and rivers are in several feet of murky water. I don't personally know of anyone who has been affected by the floods, but the newscasts have been very telling. Many people have lost homes and several have died.

As a group, RUF students gathered yesterday to help out at the nearest Red Cross Shelter in Cobb County. Unfortunately, since we are not registered Red Cross volunteers, we were not allowed to help. Situations like this make me feel so helpless. The only way in which I was affected by the flooding was several inconvenient road closures and a couple of hours spent in traffic. I feel guilty that we spent the weekend dancing in the rain and rejoicing over cancelled classes, while some of our neighbors were experiencing devastation from the same rain clouds.

I was six years old when Hurricane Andrew ravaged South Florida. I was spending the summer in Port-au-Prince, Haiti with my grandparents. I remember coming home to the U.S. after the storm had passed. I remember walking in the townhouse and onto soggy carpet. The lake in the back yard had so obviously flooded our home. Everything was wet and dirty and smelly. I also remember going to the storage unit we kept most of our stuff at. The sun was shining through where a wall used to be. I remember finding a few of my toys strewn about. That's about all I remember.

Like Andrew, like Katrina, this will pass. God is sovereign over the weather. As hard as it may be to believe or understand, He has a purpose for allowing this to happen when it did and His purpose is Good. The sun ALWAYS comes out after a season of rain. The sun is shining outside. Thankfully, the rain has died down and the waters are receding in some areas. Some more rain is on its way, but, hopefully, the worst is over. Please, pray for those who have been affected.

Dancing in the Rain

It rained all weekend at Fall Conference, but the lack of thunder and lightning allowed us to play outside on Saturday afternoon. Between frisbee, flag football, and a 100 foot slip-n-slide, the students had a blast in the rain.






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After everyone dried off, we played games inside.

Then we got wet again (this time from sweat) at the 90s themed dance party.

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Paul Joiner, our main speaker for the weekend, talked a lot about trials and suffering and what it looks like to have your heart set on the Cross. I know a few students in particular who are going through a rough patch and I hope that God spoke to them through Paul. Many good, Gospel-centered conversations came up this weekend. God is at work!

There definitely was a sense of community throughout the weekend, which is an answered prayer! I hope this community continues to grow and seeks to invtie others in as the semester rolls along. Thank you for your prayers and support!

Fall Conference is Here

My week has been restful, which is good in preparation for a busy weekend! We are taking 22 students (10 girls and 12 guys) to Fall Conference on Friday, September 18 through Sunday, September 20. Here all the RUF ministries in the state of Gerogia will congregate for a weekend of worship, seminars, and fun. We will be at Woodland Christian Camp in Temple, Georgia, which is a little over an hour southwest of Kennesaw.

Here are some prayer requests for Fall Conference:

~That the students new to RUF (Heather, Matt, Lessie, Amanda, Robert, Tim, Michael, Jane, Ben) get plugged in to the established community.
~That the older students are welcoming, encouraging, and loving towards their new brothers and sisters
~That everything would run smoothly, without major incidents (last year two students went to the ER)
~That the Lord would be glorified through the messages, seminars, relationships, and worship
~That students who do not know Him would come to do so, that seeds would be planted and others would take an interest in ministering to the lost, confused, and doubtful
~For the speaker, Paul Joiner, who was an RUF campus minister for 10+ years and is now pastoring a church outside of Nashville. He is speaking on "True Discipleship"

"Taken"

About twice a semester, we try to have an RUF movie night. We call it "Dessert and Discussion" because after we watch the movie, we eat some yummy dessert and talk about the movie through the lens of a Biblical world-and-life view.

A few nights ago, about 15 students gathered in Chris Bowen's living room to watch the movie "Taken." In my opinion, the movie was more violent than desirable. However, the violence shows the seriousness of the situation. I''l try not to give too much away if you haven't seen it, but the plot is this. A young girl begs her father, who has recently retired from his secret government job, to allow her to spend the summer overseas with friends. The girl and her friend get taken by a sex trafficking ring and her father is on a mission to find her.

This movie had amazing themes running through it. The father goes to any length to find his daughter who is lost because she disobeyed his rules. We talked about how that is a picture of the Gospel. God gave us seemingly simple rules. We disobeyed. He pursues us to save us from evil's hands, doing whatever is necessary. The pursuit in the movie was violent, but that is not much different than the violent death of Jesus, who conquered death and won us back for our Father.

One of the students asked "What about all the other young victims the dad came across and left behind in pursuit of his daughter?" That's not much different either. God pursues His children. He is certainly able to save everyone, but He doesn't. His heart is for His children. It makes me think how much of a blessing it is that I am a child of God!

Every human metaphor for the Gospel breaks down at some point because we are incapable of God's perfection, but it was still neat to be able to have such discussions involving pop culture. If you have any good movie suggestions for our next movie night, let me know.

All Things Considered

Is it really September? When I consider this past year, I find that I love this job. The most rewarding part of being an intern is seeing how God is at work through the ministry in the lives of the students. The students I met in the fall are not the same students that left school at the end of the spring. They have grown spiritually and emotionally, as well as mentally and physically. It's like watching a tree grow. It's slow and may not even be noticeable from day to day, but after some time, you can certainly see the difference.

As I enter the second year of my internship with RUF, I must begin to consider what my future might look like. Typically, the internship last for two years. Most people take what they have learned from the ministry and begin the next phase of life after college. Some go to seminary. Some go to graduate school. Some get a job. And a few stay and join staff with RUF. Given the opportunity, I would gladly stay for a third year or more. It is a testament to God's faithfulness that I am still here. My RUF account was due to enter into deficit in May. But every month since then, the Lord has provided and continues to provide despite my inconsistencies. How humbling!

The first weeks of being back on campus have been glorious and I simply cannot wait to see and be a part of what God will do at Kennesaw State University this semester.

Random Tandem

I love the days when fall is struggling to overtake summer. It makes some of the most gorgeous weather conditions.

And They're Off...

Today is the first day of fall semester classes at Kennesaw State University. Students with new notebooks and freshly sharpened pencils populate the walkways between buildings on campus. Some are walking the hallways for the first time. Others are seasoned veterans. Whichever category they fit into, they all have fresh start to a new year and so do I.

It is great to be on campus today. I've been waiting for this all summer. I cannot wait to meet new girls and build relationships with them. I am eager to experience what God has in store for us. I've already gotten some names and e-mail addresses and cell phone numbers. I can't help but feel that this is what I was made for!

PRAYER REQUESTS:
As we spend this week handing out flyers and cups, please pray that students will not write us off as "yet another Christian group."
Pray that we will provide a safe and fun environment where community is built on the foundation of Christ-centered relationships.
Pray that our older students would rise up to engage, serve, and lead new students.
Pray that I would be diligent and intentional about pursuing freshmen and fringe girls, and that I would love them through thick and thin.
Pray for our large group meetings which start next Tuesday, August 25 and for Rev. Chris Bowen as he preaches about relationships.
Pray for my continued support-raising. I am still in need of $17,000 in order to continue working at KSU through the spring.
Praise for God's unyielding provisions in the last few weeks, especially for my new roommate Tiffany who has already been such an encouragement.

Random Tandem

People are just aching to be known, especially those who say otherwise.

Strike Three, But Not Out

There are times in your life when it seems that fastballs are being thrown at you left and right, in front and behind, as if you had a target sign on your person.

The first ball comes at your head, so you quickly duck in time to just feel the streak of wind ruffle your hair. You straighten up, breathing a sigh of relief, when you see the second ball comes out of your peripheral vision coming from left field. In a split second, your mind runs through your options. "Ducking won't suffice for this low curve ball. Obviously, the pitcher has changed his tactics. Jumping at precisely the right moment and right height seems improbable. That may be a good last resort. Should I run for it?" The ball is feet away, bringing with it a force that is sure to cause pain if it hits you. In a moment of clarity and desparation, you stumble backwards and fall. You've avoided the hit, but now you are on the ground covered in dirt and feeling sore from the fall.

You wonder, for the first time, where you are and where the balls are coming from. Looking around, you realize that you are not in a baseball stadium like you first thought. In fact, the more closely you look, the clearer your surrounding become. You are surrounded by people walking about. A few people smile and wave. With a look of utter bewilderment slapped across your face, you slowly raise your hand and move it from side to side. A closer look at their faces reveal features that ar enot unfamiliar. These are your friends. And that building in the background is your apartment. And just to the right is your car. This must be your life.

A minute ago, you thought you were alone in an unfamiliar baseball stadium, when, in actuality, you were completely surrounded by the familiar. And just as you pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off...BAM! A third ball hits you square in the back and knocks you down flat. That was almost as unexpected as the first ball. People here and there are complaining of the injustice. You hear glimpses of conversations, "...came from behind." "how could it..." "...just unfair." You consider just staying down on the ground and letting any other balls just fly over you while you take notice of the hard ground beneath you.

An open and inviting hand is all you see. Looking up toward the sunlit sky, you squint to see this Person's face. Almost reluctantly, you offer your hand in return. With a gentle pull, you are on your feet again. Though you are unsteady, His hands hold you upright. He smiles and gives you a bat. Instinctively, you know another ball is soaring in your direction, but you swing His bat and like magnetic force, the ball collides with it and is sent in another direction. A smile slides across your mouth. As you begin to offer His bat back to Him, He throws His hands up in protest and says, "Keep it. I want my daughter to be prepared for the next game. I'll be in the dugout if you need me."

Would You Consider Supporting Me?

Summertime brings with it sun-stricken days followed by warm, clear nights. It brings with it a quite literally burning desire for smoothies and ice cream cones. It brings with it fireworks and Vacation Bible School and water activities. It also brings with it the work of fundraising for the year ahead.

In this time of humble trust in the Lord's provisions, I ask you again to consider supporting me financially as I work to raise $30,000 by August 2009 for the second year of my internship. My goal is to have 5 people support me for $100/month, 25 people for $50/month, 30 people for $25/month, and some one-time gifts. All gifts are tax-deductible.

If you want to know more about the ministry, my internship, the support-raising process, or anything else, I would love to speak with you! Just send me your contact information and I will get in touch with you soon!

Thank you for considering to support me whether prayerfully, financially, or both!

HOW TO GIVE TAX-DEDUCTIBLE GIFTS:

PLEDGES:
To make a pledge, you send an e-mail with your name, address, and pledge amount to BStandridge@pcanet.org or you can call 678-825-1070. Pledges count towards my goal, even if the money is not physically there yet.

CHECKS:
Write checks out to "Reformed University Fellowship" with “Christina Rodriguez support” on the memo line. You will receive a receipt and an envelope for your next gift.You can mail checks to:
Reformed University Fellowship
1700 North Brown Road, Suite 104
Lawrenceville, GA 30043

ONLINE DONATIONS:
This is only for one-time donations using credit cards. Pledges or automatically recurring donations cannot be made through our website. If you would prefer to give online, visit www.ruf.org. Click on the “donate online” button on the middle of the page. After you are prompted to fill out your personal information, you will be asked to specify where you want your donation to go. Under "Staff Member" scroll down to find "Rodriguez, Christina - KSU Intern" and select.

ELECTRONIC FUNDS TRANSFER or CREDIT CARD:
The easiest way to set this is up is to call the RUF Office at 678-825-1070.

Reformed University Ministries will process EFT donations in the same manner as we do other types of donations, including issuing a monthly receipt. EFT is cost free and hassle free. You have total control over your gift. You can stop or change your gift at any time by notifying Reformed University Ministries.It’s easy to begin:1. Write a note to the office address (see address above) expressing your wish monthly drafts to your account and your name and address to include with your check as well as the name of the staff member you wish to support (Christina Rodriguez).2. Attach a check for the first month’s donation or a voided check3. Mail the check and the authorization form or note to Reformed University MinistriesYour confirmation letter will include the date the first transfer will be made.

Wherever You Are, HE was there first

What do you think of when you hear the word "unity?" Is it tolerance? Is it peace? Is it possible? Is it necessary? No. Not necessarily. Yes. Most definitely.

There are many avenues that lead to growth in faith and love for our Lord. There are Sunday school classes, sermons, books, Bible studies, and community groups to name a few. There are at least two common denominators. 1)God and 2)His people.

The Bible is God's story of redeeming His people. It all points to Jesus and it all involves people. Countless times we are exhorted to encourage our brother in one way or another. Yes. You are your brother's keeper. Yes. Your brothers are your keeper. The question I always asked was "why?" "Isn't Jesus enough?"

So often, I lean my head back so that my eyes face the stars and I beg God to come and just hold me for a minute. Times when I wish I could feel His presence in a tangible way. I tell Him that I know He's more than enough for me, but I walk away still hoping for more.

Lately, He has been showing me all the ways in which He has been trying to hold me. He need not point out the many more ways in which I disregard His attempts. I can see them clearly. He has blessed me with people who stand by me with arms at the ready. And there I am, looking past these friends and "looking for God."

Where are you looking for God? Where do you find Him? Let me assure you that wherever you are, He was there first, waiting for you.

How Sweet It Is

It has been a gorgeous past couple of days in Kennesaw. Overzealous dogwood trees are masking their branches behind bouquets of white flowers. The air is a cool, refreshing treat for sun-covered skin. Bees and other insects are enjoying their freedom, zipping from flower to flower. Students are walking around campus wearing shorts and flip-flops. Yes. Spring is here.

Even though spring officially started at the vernal equinox (March 20), spring semester is winding down. Kennesaw students have five weeks left of classes. RUF's Summer Conference is quickly approaching. We are already starting to talk about plans for fall semester. Despite the fact that our days are getting longer, it seems like they are going by faster. Perhaps it's the anticipation of the summer.

While I am very excited to get together with the other interns at Summer Conference, I am not ready for the semester to end. My relationships are blossoming just as beautifully as the springtime flowers. The thought of putting those relationships on hold while everyone goes away for the summer is saddening. I know that because our foundation is built on Christ, we can weather the seasons and continue to grow. It has been a remarkable experience to look back and see where the girls have grown, where I have grown. It's a testimony to the work of the Spirit in our lives. I can't wait to see more of His glory revealed. How sweet it is.

Still, there is the very real possibility that I will not be back in the fall depending on how support-raising goes over the next several months. Don't get me wrong. I have every intention and desire to continue as an RUF Intern at KSU, so long as the Lord wants me here. There is a comfort in knowing He will have me where He wants me. I just hope that this is where He wants me.

Spent

It's been a rough couple of weeks for us. I'm not sure if it's that everything is happening now or if it's only now that I'm hearing about all of it. Many of our students are going through some very real situations evoking very real emotions.

I sit across the table from one girl and I want desparately to alleviate her pain. An hour later, I find myself sitting across from another girl who is going through something altogether different, but just as painful. All I can do is offer them the love of Christ and pray that they turn to Him in difficult times. My heart longs for them to see and understand the riches, joy, and hope they have in Jesus. Riches that are great, a joy that is everlasting, and a hope that is certain.

I don't know if God is calling me to do more than listen. Sometimes, we need to get to a point so low that we can only turn to God. Thus, I am weary of my desire to take away their pain...the same pain that drove ME to Him. I go home exhausted with my heart heavy. I am emotionally spent.

I have to remind myself that when I am emotionally spent and have little to give, He can and will take care of us all. "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)

Signed in Blood

Okay, so I don't even know where to begin... In the past month or so, I have been beginning to slip into robot mode in my relationship with the Lord. I read my Bible for our study program; I read theological books; I pray for the girls I meet with. That's all good, but much sinfulness can be disguised by "good" things. I have let Christ become my work and not my treasure. My relationship with Him is like that of a married couple who takes each other's love for granted and never says "I love you" anymore or shows love and appreciation...except that Christ still does all those things for me and I'm indifferent. How awful! I want to want to read and bask in God's Word. I want to want to have heart-to-hearts with Him. Instead, I just find myself clicking on facebook profiles or changing the channel when I have free time. It's most frustrating to know the solution is to rest in Christ and run to Him when things come up, but to not do it. Rah!

Today, my freshmen girls and I started our Bible study of Ephesians. "In love, he predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves." (Ephesians 1:5-6) Predestination was a fun topic to prepare for. Heh. Anyway, we got to the word adoption and started talking about the legal process of adoption. The thing that makes it all final is the signature. Christ didn't just sign the papers. He signed my papers, our papers in His blood! And not just the blood he drew from a single needle prick in His arm, but the blood that was drawn from raw whip-slashes, thornes, weapons, and the like! After all that I've done to Him, he still grabs the metaphorical pen, signs my papers, gives me fine clothes in exchange for my filthy rags, and beckons me to run into His open arms!

I knew all this, but, somewhere along the way, I lost sight of Him. The power of the Word just hit me like a jumbo jet at full speed today in the middle of "work." Isn't that a picture of us all? We need to be continually reminded of the Gospel day in and day out. And even then, we don't "get it" completely.

Because of Who He is

It's late. I'm lying on my couch in comfy flanel pj's and drinking hot chocolate that has become lukewarm chocolate over the last 20 minutes. My living room is still decorated as if Christmas has not already passed. The lights that illuminate the room, aside from the light of my laptop, are "icicle lights" draped across the sliding glass door that separates me from the frigid air outside. The only sound in the room is the low murmur of the air conditioner, broken only by the clicks of my keyboard.

And yet, despite the atmosphere, I can't seem to focus on anything. My thoughts most closely resemble the movement of a Mexican jumping bean. I've never seen a Mexican jumping bean in action, but I imagine its movement is sporadic and haphazard. I'm bouncing around in my head all the events of the week, my personal thoughts, the conversations I had, my emotions, and the various things I've read. Just as jumping beans eventually lose their jump and settle into a a state of motionlessness, I'm hoping my thoughts will do the same.

One of my biggest struggles at the moment is my casual attitude toward the pursuit of holiness. It's a fairly recent development, at least I think it is. Let me explain. The Christian life, according to Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones, is a balanced life between the mind, heart, and will. It's not only something you "know" or "feel" or "want," but a delicate combination of the three. You have to know what you are feeling in order to want it. My casual attitude is a result of my heart.

I know the Gospel message. I desire for my will to be aligned with God's will. But I am not loving the Lord. He is not my treasure because if He were, I would be shouting His name from the rooftops. None of love Him as we should. We are all sinners, undeserving of His grace. That's the beauty of grace. He saves us from ourselves because of Who He is, not because of who we are or what we do. And we do not "continue in sin that grace may abound," (Romans 6:1) but live unto righteousness because we "have been crucified with Christ and no longer live, but Christ lives in [us]." (Galatians 2:20)

I am not perfect, nor am I a slave to sin. This liberates and motivates me to pursue holiness in light of what Christ has done.